


Joke

by Salty_but_Sweet



Category: Halo (Video Games) & Related Fandoms
Genre: AU, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Post-Halo 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-06-26 06:41:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15657858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salty_but_Sweet/pseuds/Salty_but_Sweet
Summary: Even upon Apocalypse, with all their history together, it should have registered at least in one of his brain cells that only thing worse than a bored Cortana, was a bored and frustrated Cortana.





	Joke

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Halo belongs to Bungie & 343i.

"I am not making this up. You remember what she was like. She is just having a laugh with this." John explained, his voice futilely rising slightly towards the end by the sheer amount of stress he was trying to put into his message.

Even the more profound, not to mention uncharacteristic, proclamation didn't help his matter since Fred was clearly uncertain what to answer to him. The slightly shorter Spartan had a faintly uncomfortable look on his face as he shook his head the tiniest amount when they walked through the halls of Infinity.

The Master Chief had to swallow some of his pride because he felt like a whiny new recruit in addition to the growing amount of frustration over the past few months.

A month and a half ago he had been at loss on what to do, still mourning Cortana's death and trying to deal with the emptiness that had followed him mission after mission. The whole mess had really started, however, after a non-profit mission to a UNSC research station Argent Moon. He had returned from the mission back to his quarters on Infinity only to find Cortana sitting on top of his bunk, her unchanged looks only adding to her unceremonious appearance.

Naturally, his first impression had been somewhere between a strong sense of wariness and a stunned shock, what by others might have been categorized somewhere close to a heart-skipping relief. For Cortana's luck John's emotional turmoil hadn't dented his nerves, so she didn't have to duck bullets for breaking in.

Cortana's explanation wasn't that long, the Didact had forced her to enter the Domain and it had taken her time to put herself back together. The Domain had, however, fixed her Rampancy, as weird as it seemed with the universe of information she now had at her hands.

It was useless to say that John had been more than wary for the first week, and kept his eyes on her during the next one, but the customs and little nuances characteristic to Cortana finally won him over, or then it was the need that had been building up and over while she had been gone.

It could have been perfect.

After every mission, after every day, when he returned back to his quarters, back to his bed, Cortana was there lazily waiting to catch up all the lost time. Her face was sometimes framed by her hair splashing over _his_ white pillow, her feet high up against the wall 'to help the information run faster in her body'. She would look annoyed and cocky when he provoked her that putting her feet up didn't matter when she didn't have physical veins. Cortana had also been far from unproductive as she spent her days going through the information she could collect from the Domain, hacking Infinity's systems to make sense of the Prometheans and the Didact's whereabouts. Little by little, or in reality not so slowly, she started using the Domain and her skills to accompany the Chief at times to cope with her boredom — wherever he was. The teasing intensifying and becoming more frequent as the days progressed.

It really _could_ have been perfect.

John's mood had been up and this together with his growing tendency for withdrawal – thanks to Cortana's methods in keeping him inside quarters – Blue Team and even some other members of Infinity’s crew had rising reservations over his well-being.

Amidst his high spirits, he hadn't given much of a thought over Cortana's future plans. The AI had expressed her wish for a little break from duty, even though she was doing a lot out of public eyes. They had also discussed how ONI would take her return, and came to some sort of temporary agreement that she should stay outside larger awareness. John hadn't even given that much of a thought over Blue Team; something of his companionship with Cortana seemed too intimate for that. He didn't oppose telling them, but the act of coming out with an alive 'relationship' seemed even more awkward option than grieving an old one. Moreover, he didn't want to put his team on the in-between by telling them something they might later be accused of keeping of.

His not-so-thought-out-decision however resulted in the fact that Cortana had to often disappear fast and without a noise to 'keep his image as an eligible bachelor untarnished', as she had sneeringly stated after reappearing from a longer quick get-away.

It had been about a month ago when he had, once again, returned back to his quarters finding a very bored Cortana lying on his bed. They had played with cards the rest of the evening because Cortana had been determined to find out whether her ability to count cards would win against his luck. After many, many rounds and defeats the game had stopped when Cortana had dug her way into the Spartan's lap, resting her head against his shoulder. John had wrapped his arm around her back – the initial slight awkwardness being mostly lost on the first week. And just as Cortana's lips had faintly brushed his neck, Kelly had knocked on the door, making Cortana stop the endeavors of her hand underneath his shirt.

It wasn't the first interruption, which was easily detectable in the way Cortana's open hand clenched over his abdomen. Unbeknownst to the frustration she was causing, Kelly had knocked again, resulting in the AI to make herself disappear from sight, with a small, but still distinctly audible, sigh and an eye roll.

And that _should_ have been his cue.

Even upon Apocalypse, with all their history together, it should have registered at least in one of his brain cells that only thing worse than a bored Cortana, was a bored _and_ frustrated Cortana.

Later on, he blamed the situation on the harmful effects of the neural-lace. The pain caused every time when Cortana had entered his brain must have been from his dying brain cells, which now clearly resulted in poorer judgment and loss of focus. Of course, he had also silently considered emotions as the key element, but that answer seemed somehow harder to admit.

The first time he had gotten caught red-handed, had been when he had been talking with Cortana in the armory as Linda had walked in. Cortana had vanished right before the red-headed Spartan had entered, leaving John talking to empty air. He had managed to fix the situation nonchalantly, and he had almost been able to convince himself to believe the faked alarm on Cortana's face when she had disappeared.

The second time left him with less of a doubt, and as the weeks progressed John found himself from a growing number of very compromising and awkward situations. Whether it was talking to walls, having nonsense tactical information or his in-helmet monologues transmitted to the whole Blue Team, his AI-companion seemed to use all her skills and expertise to make sure that even though she wasn't going Rampant anymore, he sure as hell would be.

On top of it all, Cortana had taken everything out of their new relationship and the nadir was reached when she had been waiting for him in the locker room while he had showered. When he had come back from the shower, wearing nothing but the towel and making a dry joke at her, he had not found a smirking Cortana, but a quite wide-eyed and worried Blue Team. It wasn't his lack of clothing, it was nothing for the Spartans, but the concept of the whole thing did not go amiss at least from Kelly who seemingly had learned way too much during Blue-team's time apart. Cortana had later dismissed the event solely as his mid-life crisis, stating it would be completely unnecessary for the next few decades or so if he would just stay out of jumping down from orbital platforms.

He was starting to be sure that Cortana was a devil for a woman, AI or any other force in the galaxy.

To be honest, he might have been able to solve the problem with an apology, by offering peace and accepting his defeat, but he knew it was a battle of two wills for integrity and if not for the eternal glory, then at least for some personal smugness and a right for years' worth of teasing.

Of course, his personal integrity was already in crumbles with his prestige, which left the Spartan with an unfinished doubt of being too stubborn for his own good.

Even after the shower incident, the AI had laughed furiously the whole evening, which had later into the night turned into tired giggles, leaving him wishing for a payback. However, he couldn't deny the positive aspect, Cortana was happy. There were still traces of rampancy and High Charity, but when she was grinning like a maniac in his hood's display and her outright laughter ringing in his speakers after smuggling a bunch of underwear from Infinity's technicians and Commander Palmer into his technical gear bag only to be found by others, he could swear the lines transferred to his face.

The situation was getting well out of hand, and he had even tried to expose Cortana to other people, almost to anyone, just to ensure his own sanity and win even one round, but even though his luck might outrun the AI's wit, his logic couldn't.

At the end of the day, John was starting to be very certain that before ONI got a chance to step him aside from duty, he would be sent to a psychiatrist.

_"You don't have to worry about that, it'll be fun, you get to look at ink spots and tell about your feelings. A blue woman, green men, I don't think the difference will trouble them too much. And if you really want I'll come with you for emotional support. "_

No, Cortana's generous offer of help didn't comfort him the slightest.

He had been notified of a larger meeting taking place in the afternoon, related to Fireteam Crimson's findings on their latest endeavor. However, not even five minutes into the meeting he, and luckily only he, could see how Cortana appeared in the middle of the greyish table, lying on her stomach with a clothing he knew was nowhere appropriate for the scene. At first, she looked plain bored even though she must have gone through more information about Infinity's system than any of the room's organic occupants, the fingers of her right hand drawing absentminded circles on the table while her left supported her head.

There was something magnetic about her gaze, and John found himself unable to look away. The Spartan trusted that his helmet covered his eye movements, but somehow he still felt exposed and could have sworn that Commander Palmer's gaze contained a little bit more suspicion than normally, not to mention the fact that these days she seemed to opt to stand an inch or two farther away from him every time they met.

Regardless, it swiftly became a staring contest between him and Cortana, like something he had heard kids play. Cortana seemed very content by just staring at him while waiting for the breakdown, while the Spartan tried to look anywhere except at the hem of his shirt's holographic version that rose terribly close to her upper-thigs as she swung her legs in a way of waiting.

Little did Captain Lasky know that he almost got a kick of Cortana's heel to the side of his head when he walked around the table.

John almost thought that the nightmarish trial was over when Cortana's eyes got a more bored look and she seemed to give up, but then his undersuit sprung to life, making his quite uncomfortable armor feeling a tad bit tighter than before. As he tried to shift to a better posture he bumped his right elbow into the reinforced chair's backseat, making Kelly to turn sharply to his direction. He swayed his hand a little to try and act that nothing was wrong, while inwardly getting uncharacteristic pleasure when Cortana laughed herself off the table with a small animated thud on his speakers.


End file.
